The question comes so easily, but the answer comes slow. It’s heavy and there’s no way around it. When asked I sit there still as a rock in
the mountains. How do I answer? How do I tell them what I think? Not what I think of say God, that easy, so is questions like how’s your day. This wasn’t one of those questions. Now I sit here thinking there are so many more heavy questions.
To be completely honest they’re have been many heavy questions given to me this week. First was, are you ready for school? To be honest if I hear this question one more time I may shoot someone. It drove me insane mostly because me being who I am can be very indecisive. So some days I couldn’t wait and others I wished it never would. The closer the day came the more I could feel my stomach tighten dreading what was coming that way. Needless to say I’m not the most popular girl in my grade. I’m the nerdy, Christian girl who never does anything wrong. To be honest I’m fine with the nerdy, Christian girl, it’ the I never do anything wrong part. To be honest I hate school.
Another heavy question was given to me by Mr. McKibben. Before I say anymore I need to say that I love this guy. OHMYGOODNESS! He is one of the best teachers I have ever had. Okay back on topic. For my Econ class he wants us to do ten goals and not I want all A’s for the year more like something that would change our lives. The question is, “if you died on the last day of school what are ten things you’d want to achieve?” Well dang… (ßfavorite quote) I have no freaking idea! I mean I want to… I want to be closer to God. Does that count? Truth is I’d want that if I could live forever. Um… lets try I want my family to come to know God. How about that? But I can’t make them… so what do I put? How do I want to change my life? How do I want to change the lives of
everyone around me? What do I do? Start a Bible study at school? I tried that and fail miserably and now the one with a sponsor is sponsor less. (Chuck ditched us man! Jk Hope you love your new job man.) I have no idea….
Next is the one I asked my brother Thursday morning, possibly the most heartbreaking days of my life on so many levels. Do you believe in God, do you believe what Jesus did? Talk about wanting to shut down. Two minutes before the bus came I pried an answer out of my brother. It translated to no. I mean what do you say to that? Almost two years. Two years, he still doesn’t see. So when Adam and anyone else (Caitlin) says you can change them just by being you, I am skeptical, I believe people change don’t get me wrong have you heard my story? As for him seeing who I am when he won’t spend ten minutes with me or me just being in the house changing him, I don’t think it works. Sorry. Oh and almost forgot. Well dang…
Finally is one given to me by Caitlin. She looked at me last night straight in the eyes and said, “Who are you? Seriously.” Uh… Who am I? I could have said I’m Probie silly, but I knew it was a deeper question. Truth is I had tears streaming, because I just didn’t know what to say. She told me what she knew, that I wanted to be a cop someday, and I love to wright when I’m in the mood, but who are you. She repeated and repeated. The only answer I could come up with is I don’t know. I mean how heavy is that who are you? Who? To be honest I hate SUMMER, I hate SCHOOL, and I hate being places where I am NOT me because I get lost in the place I am. So after so long I start taking characteristics of this fake me. Who am I? I don’t know I plan on figuring this out. Because how can I help others become who they’re supposed to be when I don’t even know who I am?
Who am I? Ten things you want to do in seven months? Do you believe in God? Are you ready to be in a place where you’re the fish swimming against the current?
Heavy questions, I better start thinking and praying so I can lift the weight.